Soo...

I haven't written here in a while and I guess that is because nothing has changed. At all. Well I can't really say that. I mean I met a couple guys from match.com. That didn't turn out all that great. One was looking for a hook-up the other I would walk all over. I would own the second guy by the third date and he wouldn't know what hit him. I'm not into ownership. My problem now is that I hung out with a guy and was extremely attracted to him, but all my insecurities that I developed during my 6 and a half year relationship keep getting to me. Such as:

When my ex wouldn't text me I would stress out and wonder what was wrong. Why I couldn't get a hold of him(because you know I was trying). Then I would wonder what is wrong with me and what I did to make him avoid me.

Now I have issues with guys speaking to me over the phone. I know I can't let what my ex did to me effect my life now but it is very hard to break that cycle of emotional turmoil once it is rolling.

I also say things to my ex that made it very easy to get out of situations that way he wouldn't think that I was upset, but all it did was show my insecurities. Like I would ask if we were going to hang out one night, but it was totally cool if he could because I knew how busy he was. I found myself starting to say those things to this new guy, and I had to stop myself.

These are just two examples of the many I am dealing with in trying to fix myself. I cannot believe how fucked up I am because of my relationship with my ex. I compromised myself so much that I have lost who I am and who I could be. It is so hard feeling confident when all I feel like is nothing because of the way that my ex treated me. I know that I have worth, but I am having a hard time finding and keeping that worth. This is so hard and so painful. That new guy eventually stopped talking with me, which is okay since he has some of the same insecurities that I do because he had been in a loooong term relationship that went way bad and still is bad. I hope one day he can see what his ex and again current girlfriend has done to him(he went back to her), but I guess only outsiders and people who have completely left the relationship can see that sort of thing. Now I hope that when I talk to the guys that I currently talk to and the guys I will talk to in the future, I will be able to overcome these problems that I have developed. However, I don't think it is going to happen all that quickly.

Hair?

So I haven't written on here because nothing has changed. I'm still dealing with all this crap. I still go to bed a night praying for a reason why this happened. I'm trying to move on but it is very hard to do.

I joined that dating site. Six guys have emailed me, but I'm not sure what is going to come from that.

Since my life is so complicated I have been at a loss as to what to do with my hair. I'm a hair stylist. I should know what I want to to but I feel so crazy on the inside that now I am stuck. I feel like Willy Wonka when he kept making bad candy because he was sad about Charlie. Thank goodness my sucking at hair is only my hair and not other peoples hair. Any suggestions for my hair? I've done everything but blonde.

Ordinary

I don't know how to feel anymore. It is strange because I still hurt but I still get through my day. Nothing has really changed.

I joined match.com and eharmony.com. I don't really know why. It was a spur of the moment decision.

I feel so ordinary. With him I was extraordinary. I want more than this ordinary life I've been left with.

Opening Up

I keep praying to God to guide me in this. It's kind of funny though because I don't pray how most people do. When I pray it is sort of a constant conversation with God. I am always asking questions and hoping for answers and sometimes I get them and sometimes I don't. I sometimes just tell him how I feel about certain things. I keep telling him that I hurt so much and I ask him to help soothe my heart. However my heart hasn't really stopped hurting. I wonder if it is because I am holding on to that pain. Maybe if I let go of that pain I will lose my ex even more.

It's weird trying to figure out your own psychology. It is even weirder because I know myself so damn well so I know that that is the reason why I can't let go. I don't want to lose this love. I don't want to lose him. I didn't want this.

But if I don't figure out how to lose this pain, I am going to lose my shit. I will end up a hot mess and I do not like being a hot mess.

Can you tell I have control issues?

I guess that is probably why God hasn't soothed my heart. I can't give up the control to him.

Maybe I should try to cleanse my chakras or something. Meditate and relax. I haven't done that in a long long time. Maybe if I do that I will be more open to God and let him in to help me more.

Fooling Myself

I hate being single. What I hate more is that I'm not going to be with him again. I want him back and it pisses me off that I can't.

A letter came for him in my mail yesterday. It made for a difficult evening.

Eh, I don't know what to do anymore. I want him but I can't have him. This isn't fair. This was not how it was supposed to be. We have talked for years about marriage and kids and how much we love each other. After six and a half years I still got that giddy feeling when I saw him or talked to him. When I think about him my heart feels like it can't contain the love I have for him. I couldn't wait to hear from him or be with him. I love to just sit next to him. Even when we were fighting I was so happy to be with him.

I don't want this confusion. I don't want this angst. I hate feeling this out of control. I just want to go to sleep for now and forget what is going on in my waking hours. I want to immerse myself in something to get my mind off of how I feel, of how much I miss him. I thought I was done crying but I guess I was wrong.

Things seem to get easier but then reality pokes through and the world comes crashing down. I thought I was doing okay but I think I was fooling myself.

Handing Over the Remote

So I went to see a psychic last night. She told me some interesting things. Some things I really didn't want to hear at all and some things that were really cool. I think I went because I feel a little lost. She told me that I am worrying too much about things and that I need to let go and give God control. She said that everything will work out for the best if I keep believing in God and I keep praying everyday like I do.

I kinda feel like a channel surfer watching TV right now. I can't calm down enough to focus on one thing. I have my channel changer so tight in my hand that I can't stop flipping the channels. I need to give the remote to someone else for awhile and let them take over so I can get comfortable and relax and breathe. I really want to relinquish the control but I have a hard time doing it. I need to give the remote to God.

 I want to hope that the things she said will happen but I'm afraid that to hope. I'm afraid of disappointment because a reading isn't ever accurate. So I think I will continue living like I am and just continue to take one day at a time. Except I will give the control to God.

Fears

I'm doing pretty good now. I'm kind of excited for the prospects of meeting someone new. Well more than kind of excited. I am very excited. I really hope that it happens soon. One thing I learned in my relationship with my ex is that I am a relationship type girl. I don't really like being alone. I'm okay with being alone. I'm independent, but it isn't as fun as being with someone and getting to share your experiences with them. While I am excited, I am also afraid. I'm afraid that I am not going to meet someone. I also don't even know how to begin dating or meeting guys or anything like that. I was with my ex for six and a half years. I was with him since I was 18. I knew him in high school. I even knew him briefly in elementary school when he threw a stink bomb in the girls bathroom while I was in it. I've never really dated anyone besides him and it was more like we were friends then we were together.

How do I get into a dating scene? Then also how do I find guys who like girls like me? Is going to my favorite big girl club really going to help me find Mr. Right? I'm not sure that a night club is the best place to meet someone especially when it is in Alhambra. That is a ways away from my home and most of the guys who go there live in LA. I guess it's better than Long Beach because that is where the club used to be.

I could join some dating website but I do not have my life together and those websites, to me, scream marriage minded female and I am not really marriage minded at this time. I am also not sure I would look like a good prospect on one of those websites.

Eh, I suppose I might be thinking too much about all of this. I need to chill out.

Are Horoscopes Real?

I just read my horoscope for the first time in a long time. It was really really strange. Crazy weird because it was very true.

"Pluto, the lord of the underworld and deep, one-way transformation continues to reveal any repressed issues and power struggles in significant relationships. Consider that you're only in the early stages of a heavy long-term process of self-discovery and shedding skin. Letting go has never been more essential to your overall well being. Relationships take on a heavier vibe and ask you to commit thereby eliminating any residual fluff. Those relationships that no longer serve you will fall away, ready or not. And there is no going back under Pluto's inevitable one-way metamorphosis."

Ready or Not? Well I definitely wasn't ready but I guess it was time. Maybe I really don't need him anymore. This very well could be best for my overall well being. If horoscopes are true, then there is no going back. It sucks though because I still love him, but I guess I will always love him. You can't stop loving someone that you shared so much with.

 I need to let go. I need to open myself up to what is next. Let God and the universe send me the person I need in my life now. It would be cool to get to know someone else. To fall in love again.

I think I'm beginning to get excited about my prospects.

Another Hope

I am going to a Masquerade Ball tomorrow and I just got done with part of my costume. I still need to make a skirt and an undershirt. It took me three days to finish my corset. It was very time consuming, especially after I made the biggest mistake ever.

Today I'm not sure how I feel about my singleness. It sucks that I am starting all over again. I'm kinda excited to see if I will meet someone new but then again I don't know how they will measure up. It's funny, as many problems as we had and as hard as we fought sometimes I knew that he loved me with his all. I just think that he gave up on the things that made him happy. I don't think he feels that he deserves happiness. I'm not sure if I can find someone who I will love as much as I love him or who will love me the same way he loved me. It's a scary thought.

What is also scary is that I have a strange fear that someone I meet will end up killing me. I watch waaaay too much E! True Hollywood Story. There is always that story of that guy who gets married then murders his family and that terrifies me.

What is even scarier is that maybe I will meet someone I love even more. Who loves me even more. How could I possibly love someone else more that how much I love him? Then again loving someone is sometimes easy especially when the person you love makes it easy for you to love them. I still have that sad hope that maybe he will call me and tell me he has made a mistake but I think another hope, a hope that I will love again, is getting bigger than my sad hope.

Realizations

So I have made some realizations about my life with my now ex. I realized that though I love him, he isn't the same person he once was. Don't get me wrong, I love who he is now but those changes made him more difficult to be with. In the past 2 years people he loved passed away and 4 years ago his grandpa passed away. It was all very hard on him and gave him a much more pessimistic view on things. When we first got together he was pessimistic but slowly that dissolved away, but after all the things that have happened in the past six and half years it's come back. I think the hardest thing he had to deal with was his friend that passed away from colon cancer. His friend was in his 50's and had no family, so when he passed away he left my ex with the responsibility of taking care of his estate and taking his ashes to his home town in Oregon. Two days after he took his friends ashes to Oregon he found out his dad, who he was estranged from, passed away. Then another friend that he hadn't spoken with in a long time passed away as well. That was the worst time for our relationship. After that all he did was pick fights. He didn't know how to handle what was going on. I feel so sad that all these things happened to him and that there was nothing I could do or say to make him feel better. It frustrates the hell out of me that I still can't do something.

I also realized that I don't think that he can be what I need right now. I kinda appreciate that he saw that as well. It still sucks though. I wanted him to lean on me for support. I wanted to help him get through the tough spots like he has helped me. I hope that he can work his life out. I wish that I could be a part of his life after he gets everything handled.

A Lovely Nightmare

So added to my giant mound of emotional crap, my bank decided to screw with me today. I am seriously pissed off. Luckily a very nice manager decided to help me out and is trying to do something about this problem. I will get a call tomorrow morning if something can be done. I hope everything that I want to happen on that front happens.

I started working on my costume for the Labyrinth of Jareth Ball on Friday. I'm currently making a corset and hopefully will be done with it tonight so I can work on the rest of my outfit. Which includes a skirt and underclothes. I am down to the wire here and I hope I finish in a non half-assed way.

Last night while working on my corset I had a lot of quiet time. Quiet time means I got to think about things with him. I don't know why it is so hard to call him my ex but it is. I don't want to call him my ex but that is what he is now.

I had a dream about him this morning. I went to where he was living which strangely was at my old house. Even more strange was that my grandparents were living there again and he was renting a room from them. I went up the stairs and found him in my old bedroom talking on the phone with his mom while being on his laptop. I sat on the bed next to him and he hugged me and just held me while he talked to him mom for a bit. Then he kissed me and I woke up.  It really sucked waking up from that. I didn't want to wake up actually however I knew it wasn't real while I was dreaming it. In my dream it felt so good to be with him, but it hurt at the same time. I really wish I would stop dreaming about him because it is wreaking havoc on my sleep patterns. I wake up and I don't want to go back to sleep because I'm afraid I will dream about him again. It's kinda crazy that something I love so much can turn into a nightmare.

No Thinking

I took the weekend off from my blog. I didn't really want to pick up my laptop to write anything. I got lazy.

I had a good time on Friday night. I went to Bounce with my mom, aunt and best friend. We had fun. My mom said that me and my friend had an audience all night while dancing. Then Saturday my family had a birthday party for me. It was nice and relaxing.

I realized somethings over the weekend. I noticed that in the past two years he stopped touching me as much. Like he didn't reach out to hold my hand or hug me or even kiss me as often as he did before. I don't know if that has to do with how long we were in a relationship for but it still hurt me. He did has issues with PDA and with his past it was hard for him to open up and let someone in, but it seems like he forgot. I think I might have too, though. It's kinda sad because I think we both took each other for granted. I thought he was always going to be there. I know he thought that too; even though he's the one who broke up with me.

I'm beginning to get a little better at this day by day. It still hurts. A lot. I'm trying not to think of it as much. If I catch myself thinking about him, I try to push him from my mind. When those memories and thoughts no longer hurt, I will allow myself to think about them. For now there is no thinking allowed.

Scattered Thoughts

Sooo...

Today is my birthday. It's kinda crazy because this is the first birthday in 6 years that I haven't spent with him. It makes me sad.

I think I might be done with crying, though I've only cried three times. I tear up every now and then but I think the full on crying is done. I am beginning to feel more numb to my thoughts about him than pain. I don't know if that is part of the healing process because I have never done this before. I keep on thinking maybe we wont stay broken up but I need to stop holding on to that hope. If I hold onto that I know I will be more heartbroken when it doesn't happen.

By the way, psychics suck. I went to one in November of last year and she said that we were going to get married. Don't waste your money.

He wished me "Happy Birthday" this morning. I don't know if we know how to be broken up with each other. I'm glad he did because I know that I'm not the only one who is having a hard time with this.

Strangely it doesn't feel like my birthday. It almost feels like any other day.

I am going out tonight. I'm going to go to a club and dance the night away. I think it will be fun. I hope I don't end up thinking about him while I'm there because that wouldn't be conducive to having a good time. Maybe I will be able to forget for a few hours. Dance my worries away.

Stress :(

So today I feel tense. When I can't control something or I start thinking about things that stress my out, my stomach starts getting crazy and then my heart starts pounding and then my muscles clench all over my body. I feel like I'm getting a work out. It really comes from my genetics. My family members end up this way when they are stressing out too.

Last night I started thinking about stupid things. Like him being with someone new and everything that entails. It freaked me out. Then I started thinking about me being with someone new and that freaked me out again. How do I even trust someone enough to let someone in like that again? Eh, I don't want to think about it anymore.

I started changing pictures on my phone. Like my wallpaper was of his kitty that we bought together. It was hard looking at it so I had to change it. Then on my old phone, which I use as an alarm clock because my current phone sucks at that job, I changed the picture as well. The wall paper on that one was a little doodle that I drew of us. It made me not want to wake up to shut the alarm off because I knew I would see it. Now I need to take the picture of him off my bedroom wall. Possibly the posters that he gave me as well.

I keep praying to God to take this pain from me. It has helped a bit, but then I start thinking about it again. Then I have to stop and ask for a little more strength.

I hate this so much, but I can't hate him. We didn't end with a fight or anything like that. This came out of the blue for me. I still don't quite understand why this has happened but I have to except it even though I don't want to. I keep hoping for him to call me and tell me he made a mistake. I know he wont.

I was talking with my sister and friends last night and they helped me in a way no one has yet. They made me look at what I can do now for myself by myself. So we decided to so a road trip next month. Spur of the moment. We made reservations for a hotel and everything. I hope it will help me let go a bit more; help me get rid of the stress. Right now I feel like my body is in a vice grip and all my muscles hurt. I just want all of this hurt to go away. It's like a black cloud formed around my body. I try to imagine it floating off of me. Like a giant gust of wind will come and just blow it away. I wish it were that easy.

The star that burns too bright...

So I think yesterday was worse than today so far. Last night I did what any sane girl would do when her boyfriend breaks up with her. I colored my hair. It wasn't a big change, in fact when he told me he wanted to be out of you relationship I was buying my hair color in order to have freshly color hair for the Vegas trip we were supposed to go on for my birthday. Monday after he broke up with me I went out and spent $76 on new bras and panties, but I desperately needed those(it was a really good sale because I bought $217 worth of bras and panties). Last night I also dropped $40 on a teddy bear and books. Romance novels to be exact, though I am not sure how reading them will actually be good for me right now...

I think my mini spending spree needs to stop. Though I just thought of other things that I need to buy...

I decided that I may just still have my heart...but there is still that gaping hole in my chest because it is in a million pieces. Like a vase that is broken. You know the space that it was in but now it just occupies the floor.

I also don't think my heart is a normal shape. You know that cute little heart with it's round tops and pointy little bottom. That is a sturdy shape. If it were to fall, it is so top heavy that it would turn itself around and land on it's little butt shaped head. I think my heart is in the shape of a star. A star that burns so brightly when it's in love that it is blinding. A star that cannot see what is going on around it for it is casting off so much light it is blind. So when it starts to fall it cannot help but land wrong and break into thousands of tiny shards. Those tiny shards I am left picking up, one by one. Those shards are each little memories of me and him together. Each one cuts me so deep that I don't think I can stem the bleeding.

My Lonely Heart

So, yesterday at exactly 5:02 pm my boyfriend of 6 and a half years broke up with me.

What makes it worse is that on Friday I was supposed to celebrate my 25^th birthday with him.

I'm not sure as to how I am supposed to handle this or even begin to wrap my head around it. We have been together since I was 18 and he was 17. He is my first love. My first everything and I have known him for more than a third of my life. I know most people will look at this blog and think “Oh, it's another ‘woe is me’ deal.” That could be true but I hope that this will be cathartic for me.

Right now I’m not even sure if my heart feels anything. I feel like a piece of me has been ripped away and I will never get it back. Then I guess it kind of makes sense that my heart doesn’t feel anything because I’m pretty sure it was my heart that was taken. I think he still has it, clasped in his big hand, and it flutters wildly for him. But I'm sure that it knows as my brain knows that he doesn't want it anymore. So it is slowly dying because his heart won't speak to it. Won't even look at it. My heart is very lonely in his big hand. Maybe someday soon I can get it back...