I hate being single. What I hate more is that I'm not going to be with him again. I want him back and it pisses me off that I can't.
A letter came for him in my mail yesterday. It made for a difficult evening.
Eh, I don't know what to do anymore. I want him but I can't have him. This isn't fair. This was not how it was supposed to be. We have talked for years about marriage and kids and how much we love each other. After six and a half years I still got that giddy feeling when I saw him or talked to him. When I think about him my heart feels like it can't contain the love I have for him. I couldn't wait to hear from him or be with him. I love to just sit next to him. Even when we were fighting I was so happy to be with him.
I don't want this confusion. I don't want this angst. I hate feeling this out of control. I just want to go to sleep for now and forget what is going on in my waking hours. I want to immerse myself in something to get my mind off of how I feel, of how much I miss him. I thought I was done crying but I guess I was wrong.
Things seem to get easier but then reality pokes through and the world comes crashing down. I thought I was doing okay but I think I was fooling myself.
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