Sunday, September 25, 2011


I haven't written here in a while and I guess that is because nothing has changed. At all. Well I can't really say that. I mean I met a couple guys from That didn't turn out all that great. One was looking for a hook-up the other I would walk all over. I would own the second guy by the third date and he wouldn't know what hit him. I'm not into ownership. My problem now is that I hung out with a guy and was extremely attracted to him, but all my insecurities that I developed during my 6 and a half year relationship keep getting to me. Such as:

When my ex wouldn't text me I would stress out and wonder what was wrong. Why I couldn't get a hold of him(because you know I was trying). Then I would wonder what is wrong with me and what I did to make him avoid me.

Now I have issues with guys speaking to me over the phone. I know I can't let what my ex did to me effect my life now but it is very hard to break that cycle of emotional turmoil once it is rolling.

I also say things to my ex that made it very easy to get out of situations that way he wouldn't think that I was upset, but all it did was show my insecurities. Like I would ask if we were going to hang out one night, but it was totally cool if he could because I knew how busy he was. I found myself starting to say those things to this new guy, and I had to stop myself.

These are just two examples of the many I am dealing with in trying to fix myself. I cannot believe how fucked up I am because of my relationship with my ex. I compromised myself so much that I have lost who I am and who I could be. It is so hard feeling confident when all I feel like is nothing because of the way that my ex treated me. I know that I have worth, but I am having a hard time finding and keeping that worth. This is so hard and so painful. That new guy eventually stopped talking with me, which is okay since he has some of the same insecurities that I do because he had been in a loooong term relationship that went way bad and still is bad. I hope one day he can see what his ex and again current girlfriend has done to him(he went back to her), but I guess only outsiders and people who have completely left the relationship can see that sort of thing. Now I hope that when I talk to the guys that I currently talk to and the guys I will talk to in the future, I will be able to overcome these problems that I have developed. However, I don't think it is going to happen all that quickly.