Monday, July 11, 2011

Opening Up

I keep praying to God to guide me in this. It's kind of funny though because I don't pray how most people do. When I pray it is sort of a constant conversation with God. I am always asking questions and hoping for answers and sometimes I get them and sometimes I don't. I sometimes just tell him how I feel about certain things. I keep telling him that I hurt so much and I ask him to help soothe my heart. However my heart hasn't really stopped hurting. I wonder if it is because I am holding on to that pain. Maybe if I let go of that pain I will lose my ex even more.

It's weird trying to figure out your own psychology. It is even weirder because I know myself so damn well so I know that that is the reason why I can't let go. I don't want to lose this love. I don't want to lose him. I didn't want this.

But if I don't figure out how to lose this pain, I am going to lose my shit. I will end up a hot mess and I do not like being a hot mess.

Can you tell I have control issues?

I guess that is probably why God hasn't soothed my heart. I can't give up the control to him.

Maybe I should try to cleanse my chakras or something. Meditate and relax. I haven't done that in a long long time. Maybe if I do that I will be more open to God and let him in to help me more.

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