So today I feel tense. When I can't control something or I start thinking about things that stress my out, my stomach starts getting crazy and then my heart starts pounding and then my muscles clench all over my body. I feel like I'm getting a work out. It really comes from my genetics. My family members end up this way when they are stressing out too.
Last night I started thinking about stupid things. Like him being with someone new and everything that entails. It freaked me out. Then I started thinking about me being with someone new and that freaked me out again. How do I even trust someone enough to let someone in like that again? Eh, I don't want to think about it anymore.
I started changing pictures on my phone. Like my wallpaper was of his kitty that we bought together. It was hard looking at it so I had to change it. Then on my old phone, which I use as an alarm clock because my current phone sucks at that job, I changed the picture as well. The wall paper on that one was a little doodle that I drew of us. It made me not want to wake up to shut the alarm off because I knew I would see it. Now I need to take the picture of him off my bedroom wall. Possibly the posters that he gave me as well.
I keep praying to God to take this pain from me. It has helped a bit, but then I start thinking about it again. Then I have to stop and ask for a little more strength.
I hate this so much, but I can't hate him. We didn't end with a fight or anything like that. This came out of the blue for me. I still don't quite understand why this has happened but I have to except it even though I don't want to. I keep hoping for him to call me and tell me he made a mistake. I know he wont.
I was talking with my sister and friends last night and they helped me in a way no one has yet. They made me look at what I can do now for myself by myself. So we decided to so a road trip next month. Spur of the moment. We made reservations for a hotel and everything. I hope it will help me let go a bit more; help me get rid of the stress. Right now I feel like my body is in a vice grip and all my muscles hurt. I just want all of this hurt to go away. It's like a black cloud formed around my body. I try to imagine it floating off of me. Like a giant gust of wind will come and just blow it away. I wish it were that easy.
"I cried today... not because I miss you... or even wanted you... but because I realized I'm gonna be all right without you."
ReplyDelete- I saw this quote the other day after reading your initial entry. I can only imagine how tough this time is for you. But, I do know that it gets easier and life gets better. Love is a learning experience that changes people. Better or worse - it changes people. You'll, eventually, find the strength to move on, meet someone new and build a brand new relationship that your ex didn't give you. I know it sounds easy but, its not.
I know I'm probably one of the last people you would expect to write on this subject and I'm sorry if i'm intruding. However, I felt compelled because as terrible as it sounds, having my heart broken was the greatest thing to ever happen to me. I became a stronger person and was able to find out what I really NEEDED in a relationship.
You'll find the light at the end of the tunnel. Stay strong.