Okay, so over the past few months I had been going on a few dates and met a couple nice guys and they really just weren't for me. I felt like I wasn't going to find someone...
I met someone.
It was strange at first because getting him to talk to me was like pulling teeth. He is so quiet and shy when you first meet him. Our second date was three days after our first cause he was going out of town and wanted to see me before he left. We have been seeing each other since the end of January. Our first date was the 22nd. I'm counting time, lol I guess that means I'm kinda serious about him. Anyways he has been slowly opening up to more and more, and I like what I am finding out about him. He is a funny, kind, and honorable guy. I went out with him last night and I can feel myself slowly falling down that slippery slope that is love. It terrifies me cause I don't want to get hurt again. Ugh, why do these things have to be so hard? I guess I'm going to just have to see where this one goes...
Monday, March 12, 2012
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Soo...
I haven't written here in a while and I guess that is because nothing has changed. At all. Well I can't really say that. I mean I met a couple guys from match.com. That didn't turn out all that great. One was looking for a hook-up the other I would walk all over. I would own the second guy by the third date and he wouldn't know what hit him. I'm not into ownership. My problem now is that I hung out with a guy and was extremely attracted to him, but all my insecurities that I developed during my 6 and a half year relationship keep getting to me. Such as:
When my ex wouldn't text me I would stress out and wonder what was wrong. Why I couldn't get a hold of him(because you know I was trying). Then I would wonder what is wrong with me and what I did to make him avoid me.
Now I have issues with guys speaking to me over the phone. I know I can't let what my ex did to me effect my life now but it is very hard to break that cycle of emotional turmoil once it is rolling.
I also say things to my ex that made it very easy to get out of situations that way he wouldn't think that I was upset, but all it did was show my insecurities. Like I would ask if we were going to hang out one night, but it was totally cool if he could because I knew how busy he was. I found myself starting to say those things to this new guy, and I had to stop myself.
These are just two examples of the many I am dealing with in trying to fix myself. I cannot believe how fucked up I am because of my relationship with my ex. I compromised myself so much that I have lost who I am and who I could be. It is so hard feeling confident when all I feel like is nothing because of the way that my ex treated me. I know that I have worth, but I am having a hard time finding and keeping that worth. This is so hard and so painful. That new guy eventually stopped talking with me, which is okay since he has some of the same insecurities that I do because he had been in a loooong term relationship that went way bad and still is bad. I hope one day he can see what his ex and again current girlfriend has done to him(he went back to her), but I guess only outsiders and people who have completely left the relationship can see that sort of thing. Now I hope that when I talk to the guys that I currently talk to and the guys I will talk to in the future, I will be able to overcome these problems that I have developed. However, I don't think it is going to happen all that quickly.
When my ex wouldn't text me I would stress out and wonder what was wrong. Why I couldn't get a hold of him(because you know I was trying). Then I would wonder what is wrong with me and what I did to make him avoid me.
Now I have issues with guys speaking to me over the phone. I know I can't let what my ex did to me effect my life now but it is very hard to break that cycle of emotional turmoil once it is rolling.
I also say things to my ex that made it very easy to get out of situations that way he wouldn't think that I was upset, but all it did was show my insecurities. Like I would ask if we were going to hang out one night, but it was totally cool if he could because I knew how busy he was. I found myself starting to say those things to this new guy, and I had to stop myself.
These are just two examples of the many I am dealing with in trying to fix myself. I cannot believe how fucked up I am because of my relationship with my ex. I compromised myself so much that I have lost who I am and who I could be. It is so hard feeling confident when all I feel like is nothing because of the way that my ex treated me. I know that I have worth, but I am having a hard time finding and keeping that worth. This is so hard and so painful. That new guy eventually stopped talking with me, which is okay since he has some of the same insecurities that I do because he had been in a loooong term relationship that went way bad and still is bad. I hope one day he can see what his ex and again current girlfriend has done to him(he went back to her), but I guess only outsiders and people who have completely left the relationship can see that sort of thing. Now I hope that when I talk to the guys that I currently talk to and the guys I will talk to in the future, I will be able to overcome these problems that I have developed. However, I don't think it is going to happen all that quickly.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Hair?
So I haven't written on here because nothing has changed. I'm still dealing with all this crap. I still go to bed a night praying for a reason why this happened. I'm trying to move on but it is very hard to do.
I joined that dating site. Six guys have emailed me, but I'm not sure what is going to come from that.
Since my life is so complicated I have been at a loss as to what to do with my hair. I'm a hair stylist. I should know what I want to to but I feel so crazy on the inside that now I am stuck. I feel like Willy Wonka when he kept making bad candy because he was sad about Charlie. Thank goodness my sucking at hair is only my hair and not other peoples hair. Any suggestions for my hair? I've done everything but blonde.
I joined that dating site. Six guys have emailed me, but I'm not sure what is going to come from that.
Since my life is so complicated I have been at a loss as to what to do with my hair. I'm a hair stylist. I should know what I want to to but I feel so crazy on the inside that now I am stuck. I feel like Willy Wonka when he kept making bad candy because he was sad about Charlie. Thank goodness my sucking at hair is only my hair and not other peoples hair. Any suggestions for my hair? I've done everything but blonde.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Ordinary
I don't know how to feel anymore. It is strange because I still hurt but I still get through my day. Nothing has really changed.
I joined match.com and eharmony.com. I don't really know why. It was a spur of the moment decision.
I feel so ordinary. With him I was extraordinary. I want more than this ordinary life I've been left with.
I joined match.com and eharmony.com. I don't really know why. It was a spur of the moment decision.
I feel so ordinary. With him I was extraordinary. I want more than this ordinary life I've been left with.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Opening Up
I keep praying to God to guide me in this. It's kind of funny though because I don't pray how most people do. When I pray it is sort of a constant conversation with God. I am always asking questions and hoping for answers and sometimes I get them and sometimes I don't. I sometimes just tell him how I feel about certain things. I keep telling him that I hurt so much and I ask him to help soothe my heart. However my heart hasn't really stopped hurting. I wonder if it is because I am holding on to that pain. Maybe if I let go of that pain I will lose my ex even more.
It's weird trying to figure out your own psychology. It is even weirder because I know myself so damn well so I know that that is the reason why I can't let go. I don't want to lose this love. I don't want to lose him. I didn't want this.
But if I don't figure out how to lose this pain, I am going to lose my shit. I will end up a hot mess and I do not like being a hot mess.
Can you tell I have control issues?
I guess that is probably why God hasn't soothed my heart. I can't give up the control to him.
Maybe I should try to cleanse my chakras or something. Meditate and relax. I haven't done that in a long long time. Maybe if I do that I will be more open to God and let him in to help me more.
It's weird trying to figure out your own psychology. It is even weirder because I know myself so damn well so I know that that is the reason why I can't let go. I don't want to lose this love. I don't want to lose him. I didn't want this.
But if I don't figure out how to lose this pain, I am going to lose my shit. I will end up a hot mess and I do not like being a hot mess.
Can you tell I have control issues?
I guess that is probably why God hasn't soothed my heart. I can't give up the control to him.
Maybe I should try to cleanse my chakras or something. Meditate and relax. I haven't done that in a long long time. Maybe if I do that I will be more open to God and let him in to help me more.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Fooling Myself
I hate being single. What I hate more is that I'm not going to be with him again. I want him back and it pisses me off that I can't.
A letter came for him in my mail yesterday. It made for a difficult evening.
Eh, I don't know what to do anymore. I want him but I can't have him. This isn't fair. This was not how it was supposed to be. We have talked for years about marriage and kids and how much we love each other. After six and a half years I still got that giddy feeling when I saw him or talked to him. When I think about him my heart feels like it can't contain the love I have for him. I couldn't wait to hear from him or be with him. I love to just sit next to him. Even when we were fighting I was so happy to be with him.
I don't want this confusion. I don't want this angst. I hate feeling this out of control. I just want to go to sleep for now and forget what is going on in my waking hours. I want to immerse myself in something to get my mind off of how I feel, of how much I miss him. I thought I was done crying but I guess I was wrong.
Things seem to get easier but then reality pokes through and the world comes crashing down. I thought I was doing okay but I think I was fooling myself.
A letter came for him in my mail yesterday. It made for a difficult evening.
Eh, I don't know what to do anymore. I want him but I can't have him. This isn't fair. This was not how it was supposed to be. We have talked for years about marriage and kids and how much we love each other. After six and a half years I still got that giddy feeling when I saw him or talked to him. When I think about him my heart feels like it can't contain the love I have for him. I couldn't wait to hear from him or be with him. I love to just sit next to him. Even when we were fighting I was so happy to be with him.
I don't want this confusion. I don't want this angst. I hate feeling this out of control. I just want to go to sleep for now and forget what is going on in my waking hours. I want to immerse myself in something to get my mind off of how I feel, of how much I miss him. I thought I was done crying but I guess I was wrong.
Things seem to get easier but then reality pokes through and the world comes crashing down. I thought I was doing okay but I think I was fooling myself.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Handing Over the Remote
So I went to see a psychic last night. She told me some interesting things. Some things I really didn't want to hear at all and some things that were really cool. I think I went because I feel a little lost. She told me that I am worrying too much about things and that I need to let go and give God control. She said that everything will work out for the best if I keep believing in God and I keep praying everyday like I do.
I kinda feel like a channel surfer watching TV right now. I can't calm down enough to focus on one thing. I have my channel changer so tight in my hand that I can't stop flipping the channels. I need to give the remote to someone else for awhile and let them take over so I can get comfortable and relax and breathe. I really want to relinquish the control but I have a hard time doing it. I need to give the remote to God.
I want to hope that the things she said will happen but I'm afraid that to hope. I'm afraid of disappointment because a reading isn't ever accurate. So I think I will continue living like I am and just continue to take one day at a time. Except I will give the control to God.
I kinda feel like a channel surfer watching TV right now. I can't calm down enough to focus on one thing. I have my channel changer so tight in my hand that I can't stop flipping the channels. I need to give the remote to someone else for awhile and let them take over so I can get comfortable and relax and breathe. I really want to relinquish the control but I have a hard time doing it. I need to give the remote to God.
I want to hope that the things she said will happen but I'm afraid that to hope. I'm afraid of disappointment because a reading isn't ever accurate. So I think I will continue living like I am and just continue to take one day at a time. Except I will give the control to God.
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