Opening Up

I keep praying to God to guide me in this. It's kind of funny though because I don't pray how most people do. When I pray it is sort of a constant conversation with God. I am always asking questions and hoping for answers and sometimes I get them and sometimes I don't. I sometimes just tell him how I feel about certain things. I keep telling him that I hurt so much and I ask him to help soothe my heart. However my heart hasn't really stopped hurting. I wonder if it is because I am holding on to that pain. Maybe if I let go of that pain I will lose my ex even more.

It's weird trying to figure out your own psychology. It is even weirder because I know myself so damn well so I know that that is the reason why I can't let go. I don't want to lose this love. I don't want to lose him. I didn't want this.

But if I don't figure out how to lose this pain, I am going to lose my shit. I will end up a hot mess and I do not like being a hot mess.

Can you tell I have control issues?

I guess that is probably why God hasn't soothed my heart. I can't give up the control to him.

Maybe I should try to cleanse my chakras or something. Meditate and relax. I haven't done that in a long long time. Maybe if I do that I will be more open to God and let him in to help me more.

Fooling Myself

I hate being single. What I hate more is that I'm not going to be with him again. I want him back and it pisses me off that I can't.

A letter came for him in my mail yesterday. It made for a difficult evening.

Eh, I don't know what to do anymore. I want him but I can't have him. This isn't fair. This was not how it was supposed to be. We have talked for years about marriage and kids and how much we love each other. After six and a half years I still got that giddy feeling when I saw him or talked to him. When I think about him my heart feels like it can't contain the love I have for him. I couldn't wait to hear from him or be with him. I love to just sit next to him. Even when we were fighting I was so happy to be with him.

I don't want this confusion. I don't want this angst. I hate feeling this out of control. I just want to go to sleep for now and forget what is going on in my waking hours. I want to immerse myself in something to get my mind off of how I feel, of how much I miss him. I thought I was done crying but I guess I was wrong.

Things seem to get easier but then reality pokes through and the world comes crashing down. I thought I was doing okay but I think I was fooling myself.

Handing Over the Remote

So I went to see a psychic last night. She told me some interesting things. Some things I really didn't want to hear at all and some things that were really cool. I think I went because I feel a little lost. She told me that I am worrying too much about things and that I need to let go and give God control. She said that everything will work out for the best if I keep believing in God and I keep praying everyday like I do.

I kinda feel like a channel surfer watching TV right now. I can't calm down enough to focus on one thing. I have my channel changer so tight in my hand that I can't stop flipping the channels. I need to give the remote to someone else for awhile and let them take over so I can get comfortable and relax and breathe. I really want to relinquish the control but I have a hard time doing it. I need to give the remote to God.

 I want to hope that the things she said will happen but I'm afraid that to hope. I'm afraid of disappointment because a reading isn't ever accurate. So I think I will continue living like I am and just continue to take one day at a time. Except I will give the control to God.

Fears

I'm doing pretty good now. I'm kind of excited for the prospects of meeting someone new. Well more than kind of excited. I am very excited. I really hope that it happens soon. One thing I learned in my relationship with my ex is that I am a relationship type girl. I don't really like being alone. I'm okay with being alone. I'm independent, but it isn't as fun as being with someone and getting to share your experiences with them. While I am excited, I am also afraid. I'm afraid that I am not going to meet someone. I also don't even know how to begin dating or meeting guys or anything like that. I was with my ex for six and a half years. I was with him since I was 18. I knew him in high school. I even knew him briefly in elementary school when he threw a stink bomb in the girls bathroom while I was in it. I've never really dated anyone besides him and it was more like we were friends then we were together.

How do I get into a dating scene? Then also how do I find guys who like girls like me? Is going to my favorite big girl club really going to help me find Mr. Right? I'm not sure that a night club is the best place to meet someone especially when it is in Alhambra. That is a ways away from my home and most of the guys who go there live in LA. I guess it's better than Long Beach because that is where the club used to be.

I could join some dating website but I do not have my life together and those websites, to me, scream marriage minded female and I am not really marriage minded at this time. I am also not sure I would look like a good prospect on one of those websites.

Eh, I suppose I might be thinking too much about all of this. I need to chill out.

Are Horoscopes Real?

I just read my horoscope for the first time in a long time. It was really really strange. Crazy weird because it was very true.

"Pluto, the lord of the underworld and deep, one-way transformation continues to reveal any repressed issues and power struggles in significant relationships. Consider that you're only in the early stages of a heavy long-term process of self-discovery and shedding skin. Letting go has never been more essential to your overall well being. Relationships take on a heavier vibe and ask you to commit thereby eliminating any residual fluff. Those relationships that no longer serve you will fall away, ready or not. And there is no going back under Pluto's inevitable one-way metamorphosis."

Ready or Not? Well I definitely wasn't ready but I guess it was time. Maybe I really don't need him anymore. This very well could be best for my overall well being. If horoscopes are true, then there is no going back. It sucks though because I still love him, but I guess I will always love him. You can't stop loving someone that you shared so much with.

 I need to let go. I need to open myself up to what is next. Let God and the universe send me the person I need in my life now. It would be cool to get to know someone else. To fall in love again.

I think I'm beginning to get excited about my prospects.

Another Hope

I am going to a Masquerade Ball tomorrow and I just got done with part of my costume. I still need to make a skirt and an undershirt. It took me three days to finish my corset. It was very time consuming, especially after I made the biggest mistake ever.

Today I'm not sure how I feel about my singleness. It sucks that I am starting all over again. I'm kinda excited to see if I will meet someone new but then again I don't know how they will measure up. It's funny, as many problems as we had and as hard as we fought sometimes I knew that he loved me with his all. I just think that he gave up on the things that made him happy. I don't think he feels that he deserves happiness. I'm not sure if I can find someone who I will love as much as I love him or who will love me the same way he loved me. It's a scary thought.

What is also scary is that I have a strange fear that someone I meet will end up killing me. I watch waaaay too much E! True Hollywood Story. There is always that story of that guy who gets married then murders his family and that terrifies me.

What is even scarier is that maybe I will meet someone I love even more. Who loves me even more. How could I possibly love someone else more that how much I love him? Then again loving someone is sometimes easy especially when the person you love makes it easy for you to love them. I still have that sad hope that maybe he will call me and tell me he has made a mistake but I think another hope, a hope that I will love again, is getting bigger than my sad hope.

Realizations

So I have made some realizations about my life with my now ex. I realized that though I love him, he isn't the same person he once was. Don't get me wrong, I love who he is now but those changes made him more difficult to be with. In the past 2 years people he loved passed away and 4 years ago his grandpa passed away. It was all very hard on him and gave him a much more pessimistic view on things. When we first got together he was pessimistic but slowly that dissolved away, but after all the things that have happened in the past six and half years it's come back. I think the hardest thing he had to deal with was his friend that passed away from colon cancer. His friend was in his 50's and had no family, so when he passed away he left my ex with the responsibility of taking care of his estate and taking his ashes to his home town in Oregon. Two days after he took his friends ashes to Oregon he found out his dad, who he was estranged from, passed away. Then another friend that he hadn't spoken with in a long time passed away as well. That was the worst time for our relationship. After that all he did was pick fights. He didn't know how to handle what was going on. I feel so sad that all these things happened to him and that there was nothing I could do or say to make him feel better. It frustrates the hell out of me that I still can't do something.

I also realized that I don't think that he can be what I need right now. I kinda appreciate that he saw that as well. It still sucks though. I wanted him to lean on me for support. I wanted to help him get through the tough spots like he has helped me. I hope that he can work his life out. I wish that I could be a part of his life after he gets everything handled.