As my anger fades away...

It is really hard to stay angry about something when it happened in the past. When I think about him all I feel is contempt, but my life is so great right now that I can't let someone as stupid and as unkind as he is, and was, to drag me down. I am so happy about where I am now. I'm living for me and I know for a fact I am going to meet someone who is wonderful and deserves me very soon. I now know that my ex never deserved me and he was borderline verbally abusive sometimes. I wasn't a peach either, but damn my eyes were closed so tight when it came to him and now they wide open. I think this may be my last post about him. I hope it is. The only way I am going to post about him again is if he contacts me, which if he does I'm going to tell him to go away in a not so nice manner. I am going to focus solely on me and my life because he is my past and I am my future. I refuse to let his stupidity and unkindness shape who I am.

Outrage

As the day goes on I am becoming more and more angry about everything. How dare he! How fucking dare he do that to me. What a freaking piece of shit. I wonder if he can look in the mirror. He probably can because he is a narcissist and doesn't think anything he does is wrong. Everyone else is wrong, not him. I am so completely and utterly disgusted. I hope that karma will pay him back. Well I know it will. As I know karma will get me for all the things I've done, good and bad. I do have to say that he has the propensity to screw his life up. He did it so many times while we were together, it's no wonder he felt the need to lie to make himself feel better about who he really is and what was going on in his life. Sadly what was really going on this time was probably more interesting than the lies.

I never posted about the new guy again because things never worked out. It was taxing to be with him. His energy drained me.

Today I am writing because I just found out that my ex, who I wrote all this about, lied to me. I feel so sick. How could I have been so gullible. My head and my heart hurt. Thank god I have been mending my shinning star heart. Maybe the next guy will be someone who deserves it, because I don't think I can take this kind of pain again.

How do I trust again?

A new love?

Okay, so over the past few months I had been going on a few dates and met a couple nice guys and they really just weren't for me. I felt like I wasn't going to find someone...


I met someone.


It was strange at first because getting him to talk to me was like pulling teeth. He is so quiet and shy when you first meet him. Our second date was three days after our first cause he was going out of town and wanted to see me before he left. We have been seeing each other since the end of January. Our first date was the 22nd. I'm counting time, lol I guess that means I'm kinda serious about him. Anyways he has been slowly opening up to more and more, and I like what I am finding out about him. He is a funny, kind, and honorable guy. I went out with him last night and I can feel myself slowly falling down that slippery slope that is love. It terrifies me cause I don't want to get hurt again. Ugh, why do these things have to be so hard? I guess I'm going to just have to see where this one goes...

Soo...

I haven't written here in a while and I guess that is because nothing has changed. At all. Well I can't really say that. I mean I met a couple guys from match.com. That didn't turn out all that great. One was looking for a hook-up the other I would walk all over. I would own the second guy by the third date and he wouldn't know what hit him. I'm not into ownership. My problem now is that I hung out with a guy and was extremely attracted to him, but all my insecurities that I developed during my 6 and a half year relationship keep getting to me. Such as:

When my ex wouldn't text me I would stress out and wonder what was wrong. Why I couldn't get a hold of him(because you know I was trying). Then I would wonder what is wrong with me and what I did to make him avoid me.

Now I have issues with guys speaking to me over the phone. I know I can't let what my ex did to me effect my life now but it is very hard to break that cycle of emotional turmoil once it is rolling.

I also say things to my ex that made it very easy to get out of situations that way he wouldn't think that I was upset, but all it did was show my insecurities. Like I would ask if we were going to hang out one night, but it was totally cool if he could because I knew how busy he was. I found myself starting to say those things to this new guy, and I had to stop myself.

These are just two examples of the many I am dealing with in trying to fix myself. I cannot believe how fucked up I am because of my relationship with my ex. I compromised myself so much that I have lost who I am and who I could be. It is so hard feeling confident when all I feel like is nothing because of the way that my ex treated me. I know that I have worth, but I am having a hard time finding and keeping that worth. This is so hard and so painful. That new guy eventually stopped talking with me, which is okay since he has some of the same insecurities that I do because he had been in a loooong term relationship that went way bad and still is bad. I hope one day he can see what his ex and again current girlfriend has done to him(he went back to her), but I guess only outsiders and people who have completely left the relationship can see that sort of thing. Now I hope that when I talk to the guys that I currently talk to and the guys I will talk to in the future, I will be able to overcome these problems that I have developed. However, I don't think it is going to happen all that quickly.

Hair?

So I haven't written on here because nothing has changed. I'm still dealing with all this crap. I still go to bed a night praying for a reason why this happened. I'm trying to move on but it is very hard to do.

I joined that dating site. Six guys have emailed me, but I'm not sure what is going to come from that.

Since my life is so complicated I have been at a loss as to what to do with my hair. I'm a hair stylist. I should know what I want to to but I feel so crazy on the inside that now I am stuck. I feel like Willy Wonka when he kept making bad candy because he was sad about Charlie. Thank goodness my sucking at hair is only my hair and not other peoples hair. Any suggestions for my hair? I've done everything but blonde.

Ordinary

I don't know how to feel anymore. It is strange because I still hurt but I still get through my day. Nothing has really changed.

I joined match.com and eharmony.com. I don't really know why. It was a spur of the moment decision.

I feel so ordinary. With him I was extraordinary. I want more than this ordinary life I've been left with.